This will probably come out weird as I've pasted straight from a Screenplay Writing Demo, but, here goes-An early short which I will probably shoot on DV/Digital 8. I'm going for a gritty urban feel, and as the school has said I can use as many classrooms as I want (with input from the Drama teachers playing the teachers and the Drama class playing the puils-can't say fairer than that) I think I will do it even if you all say the script is poor LOL
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY.
We see a boy, sat at a table, no one next to him. He sits, head bowed, not saying anything. A rubber hits him in the back of the head.
We cut to the back of the room, where four boys laugh.
The boy is called GEORGE. He doesn’t turn, just stays there.
MARCUS (V.O)
They’d been picking on George for as long as I could remember. I think he was getting a bit too pally with one of their sister’s or something, so they just started bullying him.
Cut back to George.
A piece of paper hits George on the back.
Cut back to the back of the class.
The boys are laughing again.
Cut to-MEDIUM CLOSE-UP-Teacher.
A Female Teacher, with ginger hair and glasses.
TEACHER
Come on boys-That’s enough.
The teacher turns back to the board, where she writes things in French.
MARCUS (V.O)
The Teacher would tell ‘em to stop, but nothing harsh, no proper detentions or anything.
Cut back to the lads at the back of the class.
One, with very short hair, grins wide.
YOB 1
Sorry Miss.
MARCUS (V.O)
They were mocking her.
A SECOND YOB puts his fingers around his eyes as if to poke fun at the teachers glasses.
MARCUS (V.O)
I’d sat behind George this year. The bullies had no problem with me-Nor did they like me.
Pan back to see a boy sat behind George. His pencil on his bottom lip, he is quietly observing the action.
MARCUS (V.O)
I just seemed to blend in, having enough friends to get by and enough enemies to worry about.
A boy nudges MARCUS with his elbow on Marcus’ arm.
Marcus turns his head every so slightly to acknowledge him.
FRIEND
Marcus, do you know the answers?
Marcus rolls his eyes.
EXT. THE STREETS-DAY.
George is walking down the road, his school uniform on and his rucksack on his back.
MARCUS (V.O)
Until the Thursday before, it hadn’t really spilled out of school.
Cut to-
EXT. STREET CORNER-DAY.
YOB 1, YOB 2, and another (YOB 4) are standing behind a bush on the corner of the street, where George cannot see them.
As George passes them, they step out behind him.
George stops.
YOB 2
You want some then?
George carries on walking.
MARCUS (V.O)
They were just playing with him, trying to make sure he was scared. But if he was, George wasn’t showing it.
INT. DINNER HALL-DAY.
Boys are queuing up to get some food at the canteen.
Cut to-
A Table. George sits on his own, a carton of drink and a doughnut resting beside him as he flicks through a COMPUTER MAGAZINE.
A hand comes into shot and places a plate of chips on the table.
George looks up.
GEORGE’S POV-YOB 1, looking down at him, smiling.
YOB 1
Mind if I join you?
George gets up to leave but Yob 2, YOB 3 and Yob 4 grab his arms.
MARCUS (V.O)
Nothing had happened until the following Thursday.
Yob 1 comes round to the other side of the table, as the other Yobs turn George to face him.
Yob 1 slaps George around the face.
George face turns from the impact. Slowly, robot like, George turns back to face Yob 1.
YOB 1
After school, tonight.
George kicks Yob 1 in the balls. Yob 1 goes down, as does George, as the Yobs give him a kick-in.
WIDE SHOT of the QUEUE-The Boys all look behind them to the floor.
CLOSE-UP of QUEUEING BOY.
QUEUEING BOY
Fight!!!
Some of the boys in the queue race out of it.
INT. HEADMASTER’S OFFICE-DAY.
George sits on one chair, Yob 1 on the other.
Cut to behind the chairs, shot through the middle we see a MALE HEADTEACHER sitting in front of them.
HEADTEACHER
George, in my opinion, you are a dangerous troublemaker. I’m afraid I cannot see this poor behaviour continue. I have already contacted your parents, and informed them that you are suspended from school for one week.
GEORGE
(cries in vain)
But I didn’t do anything...
HEADTEACHER
Ah, ah, ah, George, temper, temper. Everybody say you lash out.
George sighs.
INT. SCHOOL HALL-NEXT DAY.
MARCUS (V.O)
Obviously, most of the lads, the ones that were too scared to speak out, thought George’s punishment was a joke. It wasn’t until the next day, the Wednesday, that we all found out it was serious.
The Head teacher stands at the front of the Hall, addressing the pupils.
HEADTEACHER
Boys, I’m afraid that yesterday, something very bad happened.
In amongst the boys, Marcus’ Friend nudges him.
FRIEND
Here it goes, he’s gonna’ let George back in.
Back to the WIDE SHOT of the boys and the Head teacher at the front of the Hall.
HEADTEACHER
George Jones took his own life.
Back amongst the boys, Marcus’ face drops, as does his friends.
GASPS RUSH OUT
In amongst the boys, we see the YOBS-Laughing, shaking hands, and nodding to each other.
Back to Marcus, we see his head turn as he sees them.
MARCUS (V.O)
I saw their faces, and the smiles on them.
Back to the Yobs.
Back to Marcus, we pan right into his face.
MARCUS (V.O)
There was no justice in what happened to George, dieing like that.
QUICK SHOT OF GEORGE IN HIS DRESSING GOWN-his wrists slashed-we see his Mother enter the room and scream, her hands going up to her face.
Back to Marcus we pan out-And we are back in the Classroom.
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY.
TEACHER (OS)
Marcus? Marcus?!?
Marcus snaps out of his daydream.
MARCUS
Yes Miss.
TEACHER
Do you know the answer?
MARCUS
Um...No Miss.
The teacher sighs.
TEACHER
Do you know the question?
MARCUS
No Miss.
TEACHER
Then I’ll see you in detention tomorrow.
MARCUS (V.O)
I just couldn’t handle it. It was only the next day, and she was already handing out punishments. The rotten bitch. She was in the wrong just as much as those-
Cut to the Yobs, laughing at Marcus’ punishment
MARCUS (V.O)
-pricks. She could’ve stopped it, but she chose to let it pass unnoticed, to turn a blind eye.
The Teacher turns to the board and starts writing on it.
Marcus jumps up and pulls a gun from his blazer.
BOOM! He shoots the Teacher in the back. She slumps onto the board, before sliding down it, leaving a trail of blood.
The Yobs jump up, terrified.
Marcus turns, no emotion, etched on his face but vengeance burning a hole through his heart.
Yob 1 gets it, in the chest-Blood spurts out.
Yob 2 goes for the door-he gets it, turning and hitting the wall face first.
Yob 3 runs out of the door.
Marcus runs after him.
INT. HALLWAY-DAY.
Marcus flicks on the lights.
Yob 3 is nearly away.
Marcus fires a shot and Yob 3 falls to the floor at the bottom of the corridor.
Marcus steps back inside of the Classroom.
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY.
MARCUS (V.O)
There was only one left-
Marcus puts the gun to the terrified Yob 4’s head-He is still sitting down.
Yob 4 is sweating, shaking, scared so much he farts.
Marcus sniffs.
Yob 4, slowly looks down towards his trousers.
He’s crapped himself. Literally.
Marcus pulls the trigger.
CLICK
MARCUS (V.O)
And he was lucky.
Marcus drops his gun, reaches into his pocket, and takes out a MOBILE PHONE.
Marcus dials in a number.
MARCUS
Yes, Hello-Police please.
INT. POLICE STATION-DAY.
Two Police Officers sit at a table opposite Marcus.
POLICE OFFICER 1
And that’s exactly what happened.
MARCUS
Yes. You guys came and picked me up about ten minutes after I’d dropped my gun.
Police Officer 1 nods his head. He seems to have a certain affinity with Marcus, even feeling sorry for him.
FADE TO BLACK AND THE CREDITS-
well boy, this looks like the kelly rowland video clip. Are you going to use that as a soundtrack?
Ok man just messing with ya, but it did remind me of that, it's really all pretty standard. Seen it before. Whem Marcus shoots it is unbelievable, because we don't see his emotions change at all. Although the voice over has some anger in it. I liked the voice overs though.
And try to use less cut to's.
The script needs flow. There are a few redundancies. Less of "we see" and "cut to" are needed. It certainly got better towards the end. Apart from that is was alright.
The 2 main events (George getting bullied and then committing suicide), and Marcus' revenge on the teacher and the yobs is not related in the script. There is no real link as to why Marcus feels he wants revenge for George's death. It may as well be 2 unrelated incidents, for the only link is Marcus' VO's.
Also, there's no explanation why Marcus turns into a violent, gun-wielding psycho - has he been previously bullied? Has he always been like that?
In my opinion it would take more than watching a class mate kill himself because of bullying to bring on that much of a change in Marcus.
The characters are (very) shallow, with no real background or insight into them, and it appears to me that you have written the script around the fact you've got the teachers agreement to act in a film, and classroom availability...
Write, then worry about how to get what you want (Locations / actors / ect...), not other way round!
Sorry for the negativity, but good luck!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I disagree.Originally posted by Littlerich:
Write, then worry about how to get what you want (Locations / actors / ect...), not other way round!
If you're working with no-budget, what's the point? You'll never get what you want, and there's no real compromise if you've written specifics into the screenplay.
All my scripts are based on things I know I have access to. A creepy cellar here, a college there, a wheelie bin in other places.
Once you actually have a budget, then you can freeflow your writing. Until then, you'll have to do with what you can get. Not that that's a bad thing, you can make some really cool stuff with zero monetary input.
The script is very risky for a few reasons.
Firstly filming it in a 'gritty urban feel' means that the acting has to be very realistic or else it will seem extremely cheesy.
Secondly, the actual subject has been attempted in other ways before so you run the risk of unoriginality.
And thirdly, it has to be handled in a sensitive way but with a very clear view of what you are trying to say. Obviously dealing with gun violence in school is going to draw comparisons with the Colombine shootings and the ending is slightly ambiguous. It could be read as you empathising with the killers and justifying what they did.
If i was making a film with a drama class and teachers that was set in a school, i would be more drawn towards a comedy. It is much easier to get people enthusiastic about a comedy over a serious drama, but if you have the confidence to go film your script then good luck.
oh, and i agree with what untamed said, write around things you have access to, restrictions often help creativity anyway.
I agree.
For feature length scripts down the road - I'll write whatever I want.
But as for short scripts I plan to make in the near future, yes, I'll write a very practical story with my limited resources and shoestring budget in mind.
After all, isnt that what this forum is about? Guerilla filmmaking
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 29, 2003 12:25 PM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>
well, thank you all for your comments.
This is all for experiance, I'm not looking to get an Independent movie made off the back of this, it's really to get a feel of my camera (when I get it) without wasting too much time and money, with quick, clean edits that I can learn how to do on my computer.
Thank you all again.
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